Wisdom re: Confrontation from Pastor Jack Miller

I’m really enjoying The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller.

Consider just a brief excerpt from a letter encouraging an elder who was needing to confront a member of the church regarding a sensitive topic:

‘In circumstances of high emotional intensity, I assume almost automatically that there have been some miscommunications and misapprehensions which need to be taken seriously. So I pray for wisdom to see what things may be heating up the situation unnecessarily and confusing communication.

One of the things that almost always turns up is a feeling of rejection in the person being counseled in a conflict situation. The presence of this feeling may be warranted or unwarranted. But so long as it is there, it cripples communication. It just hinders the release of the Spirit to cleanse and heal the relationships.

This feeling of rejection is often concentrated around the belief that ‘I am not being listened to.’ To overcome this feeling, I would suggest the following: more time in prayer with the person who feels left out; asking of questions that give the person opportunity to express the isolation; good, patient listening to put the fears of rejection to rest; and avoiding language and attitudes which foster any us vs. them relationships …

So my suggestion is that you might want to ask Jason to point out areas where he believes that you have failed him or sinned against him. Hold on to your hat. It might be a bit rough …

I especially try to get into my head a positive view of the counselee, the person as Christ is going to remake him or her according to His grace. This positive image of the person as remade by Christ in the future is really important for praying. It’s almost impossible to pray effectively for a person if in fact you have no positive image of what Christ is going to do.

What I do to defuse the relationship is to make it as low-key as I can, especially avoiding anything that may be accusatory in tone. I am not called to be an accuser of the brethren, but a gentle restorer of the erring. Remember: Jason is an intense person, and so am I. I think perhaps each of you is also in your own way. So don’t let your intensity conflict with his intensity. Too much intensity binds up the expression of love by making everyone self-aware. So relax a bit. Wherever you can, affirm him … And don’t lose your sense of humor while counseling, though it would be foolish to use lightness in a serious matter. Especially avoid trying to bear the burden of the thing as though you had to be the Holy Spirit changing another person.”