Wise Counsel and Loving Actions for a Depressed Friend

Throughout my life, I have been the blessed recipient of some truly wise counsel and loving actions by friends as I have walked through dark seasons (depression, the valley of despair, grief, the Black Dog—whatever you care to call it). Thinking that some of their ministry ideas might help you to serve someone in your life who is also going through a difficult time, I thought I would list a few out for you:

1. Presence without harsh judgment and without agenda: Since I was already feeling like the worst Christian (worst wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister) in the world, harsh criticism would have only crushed a bruised reed. But Fred and a few close friends remained close, pressed in, “forced” me to interact with them … but they did so without judging me and without requiring me to self-analyze, “fix it,” repent, get better, etc. For the extreme state I was in for a few days, this was appropriate and wise. Yes, at some point, directive counsel was appropriate and it would have been foolish and unloving to just leave me alone to wallow in my disordered thoughts. But initially? When things were very hard for me? Their presence without harsh judgment and without agenda ministered deeply to me.

2. Empathy and vulnerable sharing: Although deeply concerned about me, Fred could not really “relate” to what I was going through because he is a very steady, even-tempered man and he has not experienced a dark night of the soul. But a few of my friends have gone through similar sadness and suffering and they shared very explicitly and very vulnerably with me about their experiences. I must admit, at times it was hard to hear … my burdened mind just wasn’t capable of processing their words and relating their specific experiences to my own life. But the larger, broader “brush stroke” of what they were saying to me definitely got through to my heart. This is what I heard: I am not alone. I am not crazy or a freak. This friend understands. This friend cares. God understands and God cares. I am not going to feel this way forever.

3. Practical help: One of my heaviest burdens throughout this struggle was the overwhelming sense that I was somehow letting down my family, especially when my children were young. Little children should not have to see their mother so sad or so burdened. They are just children! Yes, it’s appropriate for them to see a certain level of struggle because this is real life. But I really needed a few days just to rest. Cry. Process. All without failing in my duties to provide a safe, secure, loving environment for my daughters. Three very dear friends made a way for this to happen and I simply cannot express how much their ministry to me meant. To know that the girls are safe? Happy? Protected? This was key to my being able to get through all of this.

4. Wise, reasonable, doable counsel: Oh! I could write an entire book on the great advice that my friends shared with me. But let me list out just a few examples of their counsel …

– Don’t isolate yourself; get outside, be around other people, spend face time with real friends: I did SO not want to follow this advice—but it was terrifically important that I did. If I only stayed within the four walls of my home and I overindulged in my introspective thoughts, I really think this season would have lasted a lot longer.

– If possible, do even just one thing: It is strange and disorienting when I don’t wake up early and jump into my day. That is my norm and it’s a happy norm. I love the early morning hours for prayer, study, walking the dog, exercising, answering emails, blogging, etc. But during this dark season, I was sleeping FAR more than usual and when I woke up, it was as though my arms and legs were made of concrete and my brain just couldn’t/wouldn’t engage. All I could do was stare. I couldn’t even figure out the most simple “next step.” Once I realized how bad this had gotten, one of things I did was to set even the most simple of goals. For example, washing our bed linens. Usually? That would be one of about 100 things I would do in a day. But while my heart was burdened, even the thought of stripping the beds, washing and drying the linens, and remaking the beds felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest. But I did it. And it was good. Yes, at times we need to just rest. But there comes a time when it’s good to actually DO something. Even something small. To pray for God to help us and to jump in an just do it in faith.

– Recognize that your thoughts are not rational and don’t put too much stock in them: This is particularly true when it comes to self-evaluation (I’m probably NOT the complete and utter failure at EVERYTHING like I feel) and to interacting with others (don’t take things too personal; the world does not revolve around you; other people have their own struggles and suffering too).

– Remember who you REALLY are: Here are the exact words that a friend sent me during the worst moments of my difficult season … “Tara, you were called by name, from before the beginning of time. You are a beautiful, cherished, daughter of the Most High God. You are loved beyond measure, and surrounded by protection that you cannot see or imagine. You are sheltered in the shadow of his wing. He will neither leave nor betray you. His promises are real and true, and this life is passing away. What we are really longing for is HIM. Hoping for a day of light and glory for you..”

What grace! What kindness! What wisdom.

Oh, how I pray that if you are going through a similar painful season, you are receiving such wise counsel and loving actions from the people around you too!

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Your friend,
Tara B.